It can save you a lot of time and heartache
If you’ve been dating for a while, there’s a good chance you’ve been in a situation like this one.
You meet a guy and you feel like you’re hitting it off.
Either you liked him already or you’re getting to like him now. And you’re excited because he seems to like you, too.
Well, he’s having a conversation with you anyway, so he must be interested.
That conversation is tricky, though. You feel like you’re struggling through it. It’s hard to keep it going. It doesn’t really feel like it’s flowing smoothly.
It could just be because you’re nervous. Maybe his cute smirk or the way he says your name keeps throwing you off your game. Maybe you’re just worried about saying the wrong thing and missing your chance with him.
You’re too busy asking yourself why you’re having trouble holding up your end that you barely realize he isn’t doing anything to move the conversation forward.
He asks you something once or twice. Mostly, he seems interested in talking about himself. But he could just be peacocking a little to try to impress you. Or maybe you haven’t done enough to make yourself appealing to him.
So, you keep asking him more questions to keep him engaged.
The conversation comes to an end on a good note and you’re excited when he texts you the next day. You’re relieved that you didn’t fuck this up and that it might actually be going somewhere.
Except it doesn’t really go anywhere — not where you want it to, anyway.
It starts to feel like he’s got you on a roller coaster. Some days, he’s hitting on you and other days he acts annoyed that you texted him.
Sometimes, he acts like he’s willing to drop everything for you. Other times, he’ll disappear for days on end without notifying you.
You worry that this might not be the start of the romance you hoped it would be. But you’ve got a real talent for coming up with explanations for his behavior.
He could just be clueless and have no idea how to hold down a proper conversation. That doesn’t make him a bad person, does it? It’s kind of, almost, sort of endearing when you think of it that way. It’s just a little quirk of his.
Or he could be shy. He might even be intimidated by you. He could like you so much he’s worried about blowing it, and that explains why he’s acting so weird and distant at times. He’s just playing it safe.
And people get busy. He could be preoccupied. He did mention that stuff about being swamped with work and the shit he’s going through with his family.
He could also just be taking it slowly. Are you just expecting too much at this stage? You’ve only really been talking for a few weeks.
But eventually you run out of excuses. You can’t ignore that things just aren’t moving ahead. In fact, he often seems like he’s pulling back.
So, you pull out. Your time is too valuable to be wasting it on someone who isn’t serious about you. You tell yourself to just be strong and move on.
Only it’s not that easy, not after you’ve invested so much into this guy. You know pulling out is the right thing to do but it feels terrible. You end up with an aching heart and weeks of your life you’ll never get back.
On top of that, the whole thing left you with self-doubt and a hit to your self-esteem. It doesn’t help that you keep feeling stupid for having ignored all the red flags and kept things going when you should’ve realized it wasn’t going anywhere.
And I wish I could say that once you get burned this way, you won’t get burned again. But I know for a fact I’m not the only woman who’s been through this (or something like it) multiple times.
You learn lessons each time it happens, but it doesn’t mean you won’t repeat some of the same mistakes the next time you run into a guy like this.
If you’re single and looking, this stuff might happen to you. But it will happen a lot less if you follow the Two Question Rule.
The Two Question Rule
I first heard about the Two Question Rule from Shallon Lester’s YouTube videos. It’s a concept she brings up often and one I’m going to implement when I’m getting to know someone.
The rule is simple. When you’re getting to know a guy, especially if you’re flirting or seeing where things are going, pay attention to how many questions you’re asking him and how many questions he’s asking you in return. If you routinely ask more than two questions without him asking you any, take it as a sign that he’s not interested in you.
When you’re in a conversation that keeps moving along, it’s easy to lose track of who is doing the work to keep it moving. With the Two Question Rule, you can make sure that it’s not just you. And if it is, you can spot it, call it, and get out before you catch feelings.
There are a few exceptions to the rule. If he’s telling you a story, it’s fine for him to do most of the talking and for you to be asking most of the questions. There’s a difference between someone having the spotlight for a while and someone hogging it. If the spotlight is never on you, that’s when it’s a problem.
And it doesn’t always apply to friendships, because those can be a bit more casual or have a slower build. When you’re just keeping it friendly and not trying to see if what you have could turn into something more, you can be a bit looser with the rules. Though still be on the lookout for one-sided friendships because those can be a real drain, too.
If you have several exchanges, it’s okay for a couple of them to have been a little more focused on him, especially if a couple of others have focused more on you. But if your conversations don’t feel even overall, that’s a sign you shouldn’t be wasting your time.
Why You Should Use the Two Question Rule
The Two Question Rule is important because we sometimes bring more than we should to an exchange.
When someone is hot and cold, it can make you feel a little crazy. When they suddenly go cold on you, you get all kinds of insecure and can’t help but wonder what you did to make them lose interest in you so quickly.
That’s an uncomfortable feeling and you just want things to be better and smoothed over. So, you push him along, thinking that will make everything feel right again.
And a lot of times, you just like someone and it makes you a little too hopeful. You really want them to like you back, so you look for all the little signs that they do — and ignore the bigger signs that they don’t.
You project your feelings on them a bit and you find yourself making excuses for their behavior. Because at least the excuses feel better than the truth. You don’t want them to not be interested in you — you’d rather they were just too busy or going through something or having a weird day.
But it’s not all on our end. These guys aren’t completely innocent.
It’s easy to forget that guys often act interested even when they’re not interested in you.
He might just want validation from the attention you give him. He might be bored and lonely and are just happy to have someone to talk to.
He might love the idea of having a lot of women on the back burner. Stringing women along and keeping their options open might make him feel like a stud.
He might just want meaningless sex and he’s willing to half-ass a bunch of conversations with you in the hopes of getting it.
If he wants something out of you, he might be willing to put in just enough effort to keep you interested. He might ask you one or two questions each time you talk. He might say some vague shit that kind of implies he likes you without saying it outright. Sometimes that vague shit is just an emoji, like throwing heart eyes at the end of a neutral sentence.
It’s a pretty cold thing to do to someone, but it’s sadly common. That’s why it’s smart to have a rule in place to help you watch out for yourself and not get mixed up with something that wastes your time and leaves you feeling hurt but could’ve easily been avoided.
If there’s interest on both sides, it will manifest in the way you interact with each other. You’ll both escalate and try to get to know each other. Neither of you is going to have to force it.
The Two Question Rule helps you pay attention to all the subtle stuff you might try to overlook. It keeps you from moving things ahead when you’re the only one with genuine interest in heading in that direction. And it will free you up to find someone who’s actually worth your time.
Source : Medium