Five Signs Your Husband Is A Sociopath

Five Signs Your Husband Is A Sociopath

Better read this article quickly — you might be sleeping with a monster.

Scan these lists of the five signs of sociopathy in various areas of marital life. If you can check any of these boxes, well, good luck.

Five signs your husband has another family on the other side of town

  • He brought home Christmas presents for Charlie and Pammy. Those are not your children’s names. Plus, you’re Jewish.
  • He has two cell phones. You’re not allowed to touch either one of them. “Don’t touch my phone! Or my other phone! You hear me?”
  • He is gone every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights — and alternate weekends. And then for a week each summer, from which absence he usually returns with a sunburn.
  • He gets your name wrong, too. You’re not Kathy. You’re Leslie.
  • He is a major douche.

Five signs your husband has a woman imprisoned in your basement that he’s had nine children with

  • He goes down to the basement a lot.
  • He’s working on a “secret project” down there.
  • Occasionally, you swear you hear children’s voices in the walls. He says you must be a medium and are hearing the voices of spirits.
  • He seemed really nervous when you watched that movie The Room together. You thought it was because he hates chick flicks. But now you think it might be something else.
  • He’s also a major douche.

Five signs your husband is his own mother

  • You’ve never been up to the main house. He won’t let you.
  • You’ve heard his mother yelling at him, but you’ve never really met her.
  • He runs a hotel. CORRECTION: A motel.
  • You live in one of the rooms. You love the shower. It’s such a happy place, this shower.
  • Yesterday when you were in the shower you heard this really high pitched music. Like screeching violins. Really loud. Weird…

Five signs your husband wants to cook you and eat you

  • He loves a fine chianti.
  • He loves to cook liver.
  • He sometimes looks at your upper thighs like he’s looking at flanks.
  • The other night you woke up and he was pouring barbecue sauce on your arm.
  • He’s a total fucking douche.

Five signs your husband is going to kill you, bury you, then lead the search for your body on national TV

  • You heard him rehearsing in front of a camera, “Leslie, we love you, we’re going to find you, we’re not giving up hope. We’re going to bring you home safe.”
  • You saw him mocking up a missing poster with your photo on it. He got mad and said you “spoiled my Mother’s Day surprise!”
  • He purchased a shovel and some bleach the other day.
  • He has a girlfriend. She’s great. You kind of suck.
  • Actually, all three of you are total douches.

Five more signs your husband is a sociopath

  • His arm is in a cast, but it is not broken.
  • Time is moving backwards. And he has no memory.
  • His suits are amazing. His body is ripped. His soul is empty.
  • He only kills other sociopaths.
  • All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Can you guess the name of these famous sociopaths? If so, like me, you either have a very healthy albeit slightly morbid interest in true crime, or you are a sociopath yourself. Which is it? Let me know in the responses.

Source : Medium